Non-Musical Post (self restraint)

okay first of all, i would like to inform that this post isnt musical at all..

it should be a post where i express what ive been thinking lately..

and sorry that i cant continue on Music Matter post,

the problem is im currently having semester break, and while im home,

theres not much musical thing that i can share..

i guess ill continue when the new semester starts..

~~enter my world~~

i know im not really good at anything..

i just know few things..

generally im just a regular guy trying to make myself happy..

along with my effort, i find out some people being just too annoying for me..

yea i know im not even close to perfect,

and i have no rights to judge people..

but i think im old enough to figure out whether ur a friend,

or just a friend trying to manipulate me,

or just somebody i know that really looks down on me..

personally, i care bout people's thought bout me..

since im 15, ive been trying hard to control myself..

not to say words, or to take an action,

that would hurt or irritate others, especially my friends..

i can be too talkative, and i can be really annoying,

and im trying my best not to be like that..

i just wanna be regular,

i wanna be a guy that listen more to his surroundings..

i wanna think thoroughly before i take any action..

ive been trying..

and i did somehow change a bit..

eventually i start to think more bout other's feelings..

not just my friends, even more that feelings appears towards my family..

i used to hate my lil bro so much..

i dont know why but i just hate em..

once, i did not speak to him for almost a month..

then i realize that he was just a child..

cant really think of actions he made..

its me.

im an adult already..

i should be more responsible..

and when i look at the situation from his point of view, i can see..

i can see the love that i shouldve shown to him all these years..

and so ive changed..

i see things from different view..

friends

i need them

they help me discover my personality

they help me to be myself

losing a good friend is a thing that i found so hard

it shows how terrible i am in social relationship

and again it brought me to have a look again at myself

what have i done?

been a good friend?

been a foe?

been a what??

music

i think i know music

i think i can play music

i think i understand music

yesterday i did a simple test on myself

i record myself playing

and i go through every seconds of the video

and guess what i see??

a regular guy playing an instrument

i dont deserve the title "Music Student"

2 years studying music, i havent improved..

another disappointing spot of me...

computer

"im just as smart as my google search"

i just know some things that i found on google

ive never really invented something

so

useless

......

love

have been in love several times..

even twice with one girl..

still expecting and waiting for a girl..

but honestly

seeing how i behave

i dont think i deserve someone like her

im starting to get over it

even i know honestly i cant..

even if its 20 years from now..

never really get to felt true love, yet..

or maybe never

it isnt impossible aite?

thus..

another dead end

family

::im no good::

to end this sarcasm

ill just hold on to one word

..HELP..